The Terror

More often than not, I am a big ball of anxiety. Not in the way that people say they are, where they're only a little worried and trying to be funny, or whatever it is. I wish it was that. No, this is a big, all-consuming thing that darkens every inch inside my head and leaves me reeling for hours. I don't let things go; I can't. If I say something a bit stupid, I'll replay it for the next twelve hours and tear myself apart. I have nightmares about not getting to go to my school because I can't pay for it. From there, I can just envision the dark paths my life might take, and it launches me headfirst into something very akin to terror. I'm genuinely, truly terrified of too many things that don't even bother other people.

I dwell on horrible facts and terrible circles. Things like, "I can't get a job because I don't have a car, and I can't get a car because I don't have a job (or license)." I critique and nit-pick everything I do until I absolutely hate it. Honestly, my own body image is sliding and heading somewhere dark and shadowed and cobwebbed.

Sometimes, you just have to pour out those toxins in your heart, even if it's just a tiny bit, to let at least some measure of peace back in. That's how it works, right?

Probably not. It's difficult to get rid of the poison when you're the one that's toxic.

We have poison in our pockets.

No word from the boy from the bus, but it's okay. I'm not dwelling and being weird like I usually do. Tonight on the bus, I'll hope to see someone cute, but it won't matter either way. I'll probably just sleep.

I haven't heard from Luis in a while, and I hate to say it, but I'm relieved.

My mom and I will call my Aunt Bev. Soon. Like, this week. She's the one who keeps forgetting, and she's the one who knows her number. It's not like returning a call to some weird old lady you sew with. We have to call her.

I have to talk to her again. Just one more time. That's all.

That's all.

Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I don't know what it is about this song. It's on repeat and every time, I feel the same things. It might bring me to tears or something.

It feels like a reminder of what I could have, should have done and said.

He slipped through my fingers and now, there's nothing to be done. Why do I keep telling myself that I don't care? I do, and that's all there is to it.

I hate it. I hate this feeling.

Whatever, whatever, whatever. Nothing will ever happen, and one day, it'll take me a few minutes to totally recall him and I'll finally be happy.

Oh, gods, I hope.

Don't mind me, I'm just kind of...lamenty.

We're talkin' about two different things.

I need school to start. I need distractions. I need new faces and new names that I won't be able to remember. I need new guys in my life. I'm absolutely going to find someone this semester, whether I rekindle what I had with the fellow who shall henceforth be dubbed The Idiot, or whether I find someone new.

I'm sick and I'm tired of being a second choice, or, usually, not a choice at all. I need someone to see me and give me butterflies and keep me at the top of his mind. I need someone that wears the same goofy smile as me when we first meet. I need someone that wants to go to aquariums and In-N-Out and the beach and Saddleback Butte.

I need someone.

That's all there is to it.

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I love it when you sing to me.

This storm is something else entirely. Thunder shaking the house, almost violently. Lightning lighting the sky up like a strobe. It's insane.

I love storms. Except for when the house is shaking. I'm not exactly into that.

Oh, well. The storm's almost over. And I'm watching Glee. So life is good.

I could take you.

I'm watching Boy Meets World, enjoying the existence of the Internet, and freezing. Dear gods, the AC is cold.

I have a test in math tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'll do well. But, at the same time, I'm really hoping that class doesn't murder me. I currently have a 63%, due to the fact that I've turned in next to no homework. Ugh. I really need to bring my laptop tomorrow. I really need to do my homework. Ughughugh.

Slacking will only do bad things to me.

I need to go to bed. Right. Now.